FROM MY HEART VOLUME THREE MY LIFE...A MUST READ.
COPYRIGHTS © 2013 SOUTHERN ACTS
The thing is like this, I write what I write to tell a story about what it is like to be different, For the most part, I am one of those that can be different when I need to be, like when you make the mistake and laugh at someone because they didn't meet your vision of what an asshole should look like, just look in your mirror you will see one. JUST ME TALKING HERE
FROM
MY
HEART
VOLUME THREE
MY LIFE
BY
THE MISFORTUNES
COPYRIGHTS © 2013 SOUTHERN ACTS
Table of Contents 2
DESTINY 4
ABANDONMENT 6
JUST ANOTHER BRICK ON THE WALL 8
TO WEAR A MASK 11
BEING PASSABLE OR NOT 14
MY LIFE AS IT IS TODAY 17
INTRODUCTION
THE STORIES THAT I WRITE ARE TRUE AND FROM MY HEART. THEY ARE WHAT I FEEL AND WHAT I NEED TO TELL; SOMETIMES I AM NOT SURE WHAT TO WRITE SO I JUST WING IT, TODAY I AM PROUD TO BE DOING WHAT I LOVE TO DO THAT IS WRITE FOR YOU. I HAVE THIS WANT TO FREE MYSELF FROM ALL THAT I HAVE DONE WRONG AND MAYBE BY WRITING WHAT I HAVE DONE WILL HELP TEACH SOMEONE ELSE NOT TO DO THE SAME THINGS. I FIND MYSELF MAKING ME FEEL THE PAIN SO THAT I WELL LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES AND TRY TO FORGIVE THOSE THAT HAVE HURT ME. BECAUSE OF THE LIFE THAT I HAVE HAD TO LIVE, I HAVE FOUND THE STRENGTH TO WRITE WHAT I DO.
IF I AM WRONG ABOUT WHAT I DO THEN I WILL BE THE FIRST TO TELL YOU.
HOPE THAT YOU ENJOY MY STORIES, BUT MOST OF ALL I HOPE YOUR LEARNING FROM MY WORDS.
I write because it is what I do.
I write just for you.
We are the
“THE MISFORTUNES”
DESTINY
When they told me that I was dying, I had to go to counseling to prepare me to die.
Well after about two years of that I had become uncaring and just wanted to get it over with. I am not sure if I want to live in this world the way it is becoming.
It seems like everywhere you look there is ugliness and pain, why is that?
I thought that the word of God is tha
We should love thy neighbor,
Turn the other cheek,
Do unto ours as you would have them do unto you,
Doesn't that mean to everyone?
Does it say just these people or those people?
No it doesn't say any people.
We are nothing but creatures that were put here by nature. What we become is up to us.
Everything has a beginning and an ending. Just like the past of this planet, it too will change,
What will you do then?
What worries me is that every day there is new life here,
Where and what will happen to your kids and their kids.
Are you willing to take the chance that this world will not change or will you start to do something about your surroundings, it is up to you on how you will treat the next person that walks up to you.
I have made mistakes in my life, Hell I just might be making one right now. Just because you don't like what I am about, all you have to do is click report, well, when you do, remember one thing, I will be back, because I will not be stopped. I think that all people should be treated with respect and kindness. If you can't do that, then it is you with the real problem, not me.
There is someone on my list of friends that, it just gets my goat, when they open their mouth, because of what they talk about, yet I do not hide or block them, because I want them to see what I have to say.
I think that any one person can be what they want to be,
Vote the way they want to vote,
Pray the way they want to pray,
Date whoever they want to date.
I will not judge you, but if you feel the need to judge someone, then judge me, you'll be leaving someone else alone for a while.
It is not my wish to piss you off, but it is my destiny to make you see yourself, as you really are…
Can you change to be better?
ABANDONMENT
Every day someone finds themselves in a place where they do want to lose what they have.
There are some of us that were not as fortunate as others.
An orphan is one of those.
Because someone though that it would be better to give their child away so that they could live their life's without the BS of kids in them, there are kids that grow up to feel that they will be abandon every time they love someone.
I deal with this problem myself.
I am not proud of it.
But it is a problem in my life.
I have been one of those kids that were abandoned by my Mother, then my family, and my friends.
Now I live with someone that I love with all my heart, yet I am so afraid to let her be the person that she needs to be, because I am afraid that she will leave me.
There are times when we can share and be happy, but the minute she tries to look good, I want to shut her down,
No you can't dress like that, someone might like you, and then I will lose you,
That is the way that my mind thinks.
It is there and I cannot change that. The only thing I can do is what I am doing right here, right now.
I have abandonment problems.
When we fuss with each other and she tries to leave, I stop her. I control her to make her stay. I am wrong to do that, but I don't want to lose her, but if I don't find peace within myself I can never set her free.
I know that I need help to do this.
I am so afraid of being alone that is hard to deal with sometimes. Sometimes the pain is so strong that I can't bear to live with it, I believe that death would be my only way out of this. The tears are pouring from my eyes and it is hard for me to do this, but I must for my own good.
Maybe I can find it in my heart to let my past go and move on to the future.
But then maybe I can not alone....
JUST ANOTHER BRICK ON THE WALL
My first brick came from the memory of being left as a child.
As I moved forward in my life there were more bricks that starting becoming a great wall around me. Each time I was hurt, I just added another brick on my wall.
Sometimes we think that everything that we do is the right way or the right color and even that we have the right to say something about someone that we don't even know.
WHY is that? Another brick
What I don't understand is why your God says
“To forgive thy neighbor”
Yet we choose to talk about our neighbor.
Why is there a difference in color of people?
Do you know WHY? ...I do. Another brick
I have traveled around the world, I have seen how some others have to live, and not through their choice, but because of what this country and others like you have done to them.
Thinking that you could make them live according to your rules.
WHY do we do that? Another brick
When I was 15 years old, I was kicked out of school because I said that I wanted to eat lunch at school.
The reason I was kicked out was because.
It was the first year that a colored child came to my all white school and no one wanted to eat in the lunch room because that was where she ate her lunch.
Hell I didn't know that I was suppose to go hungry because another child was hungry too.
For that I was sent home, kicked off the baseball team and had a cross burned in the front yard where I lived and I was called N*****Lover and all kinds of other names.
So now, what do I do about this?
Here I was every morning at school, standing there saying The Pledge of Allegiance and One Nation under God, with liberty and justice for all.
WAIT, DID IT NOT SAY FOR ALL?
AND NOT JUST FOR YOU.
There I was 15 and trying to understand why I was saying those words, but watching the hate for one young lady, that was just a child of a different color being treated that way.
I did not understand. I had to make my first stand there. That day............................................................
That was a big crossroad (KEYPOINT) in my life.
I watched over her and stood by her, tried to feel her pain, tried to understand WHY, it was like this.
Well That Beautiful young child became a lady with the grace of an Angel in my eyes. My life had changed because of her. I now learned how to care.
She did graduate that year, but it cost her something. Her Father tried to get her out of our WHITE school, but he was killed on the job, when a logging chain came loose on the log truck own by a WHITE MAN.
WHY?????????????????????????????
I had to add a “””” LOT”””” of bricks to my wall for that one.
TO WEAR A MASK
It is not because I'm afraid of you that I wear this mask, it is because for some reason you are afraid of me.
It’s ashamed, that because we are different than you, you make us feel like we should hide our faces in public places.
There are times when I walk into a store, and I feel that I need to hide myself from your world, why is it that I feel this way? I have the same rights as you or anyone else for that matter.
To many times in my life I have seen that ignorance and hurt that some people have shown.
Times are bad for the most part, is it because we are creating this? My friend here tells me that if one believes in something enough it is bound to happen.
Is that true?
I am sitting here in pain, yet I need to write, it is all I have left to give. Thanks to Jacqueline I am able to do just this; she is doing all that she can to make my life just a little easier. She makes a good nurse; I do feel that it can be hard on her, because being around some one that hurts most of the time can be stressful. Today she got me out to the duck pond and I was able to walk one time around it, then I sat there and drew a picture, as she walked around the pond.
It is hard to just be different, if a child has been treated as if there was something wrong with him/her, they will have to deal with that, sometimes they cannot do it alone.
We are like the flowers in the fields; we all bloom with different faces. Imagine what this world would be like if there was no difference in us. I would just look like your old man, lol. Anyway, We all have a beauty in us that cannot be taken away, just because someone is big, that does not mean they cannot be of help here, Sometimes bigger is better, unless you need to crawl into a hole to save a child’s life, then smaller is much better.
When I look into your eyes I see your soul and that is what I judge you on. I am always aware of my surroundings because of the way I have been treated. I can pretty much tell the ones that are going to run their mouth.
The thing is like this, I write what I write to tell a story about what it is like to be different, For the most part, I am one of those that can be different when I need to be, like when you make the mistake and laugh at someone because they didn't meet your vision of what an asshole should look like, just look in your mirror you will see one.
Have you ever been laughed at? Have you ever been called names?
Because of you I hide my face today.
My Beauty far passes my own expectation.
It comes from within me to shine on.
To tell my stories and try as hard as I can to stop those that think they are better than we are, there is not one of you that has walked in this man’s shoes, you cannot feel the hurt and the pain that I have to Endure because I gave myself to you years ago, when I left my blood on a foreign land and I have earned the right to be different.
I am only here because there is a much higher power than myself using my hand to write this. Two years ago, I believed that my life was over, it was my time to die, today I so much want to live, not only here, but in the hearts and minds of those that I have touched.
I somehow, try to hang on to the fact that we are the children of The Creator and we are the colors in the world, if not for us the world would only be in black and white.
We are the flowers in the fields that bloom to give this planet it colors.
BEING PASSABLE OR NOT
Every day I try hard to deal with many things in my life. Today I would like to talk about (Being Passable). That is what Transgender people try hard to do and some pay big money to try and make that happen.
I used to always worry about someone knowing what I was, male or female, and I thought that it would be better if I could pass as a women. I live here in The South, in a place called Albany Ga. Here there are not but a handful of Transgender people that will walk out in public here.
I take one hell of a chance every time I walk out of my home. Because the more passable I am the more risk I take, if I look real good and pass as a women, than a man comes up to me and starts to talk to me,
What do I do then?
I have to say something.
I will try to be nice.
I always watch myself about being soft in the way I talk.
If he does not stop there, but wants to get to know me more…what is it that I should do then?
I have learned that the truth is always the best way to show yourself to the public. If it gets to that point, I will then ask this gentleman if he knows just what I am. I do not want to lie to someone or to show myself off as anything other than what I am.
I am A Transgender male to female and I am proud of myself for getting this far in my life.
I am 62 years old and every day I live with the fact that I should have died a long time ago. I have always wondered just what is my purpose in life, I think that I may have found it, I love to talk and writing is like making music to me.
I have found that it is not a matter of whether or not I am passable, the truth is I am just a man in a dress to the most of you, and there is nothing I can do about that. I have come to love myself, as I am. I am not a man any more; I have crossed the line of no turning back. I can never go in public without a top on, that’s for sure.
Where we live, I have known people like myself that have stepped into that world where they were thought to be a real woman, when the guys found out that she was not a woman, it cost her the only life that she had, her own. She was beaten and left for dead at an old school house where she lived, not more than 30 miles from where I live today.
Jacqueline and I went to town today and had to get some food, we just needed to get out for a few. She looked real nice today with her brown outfit on. She is so lovely, sometimes I find myself just watching her. She is so much a lady, if I were a man; she would most surely be my woman.
She has this natural look about her that she could pass as a woman, but she does not see things the way I do, she has not had to deal with all the hate that I have had to deal with over the 30 years I have been dressing like this, I know that I am not always passable, but I know that I am Beautiful.
I don’t try as hard any more to be passable, because I now tell everyone that I am a Transgender person and I am proud of my life.
There are times when I wish that I had not chosen the path that I have, but then if I had not, I would not be me.
I would not have met this Beautiful young woman. She is the one that fills my need for love.
Together we now walk out in public and I will always try my best to protect her, I really don’t care if I have to act like a man to do so.
So the thought for the day is that you don’t need to be what you are not, just to be passable, because if you show the truth about yourself to others, then and only then will you become passable, because the most important people in your life will see you as you are…Beautiful
MY LIFE AS IT IS TODAY
My life as it is today, tired, but wanting to write, that is the thing about reality, I write when I feel that need to talk to you. I am sure that by now, if you are reading this you know me, and if it is your first time welcome aboard.
I am feeling somewhat down, I hurt so bad that it is hard just for me to sit here. I have taken my meds because I need to try and stay alive just a little longer; I believe that Your God keeps me here, to show you the way. I feel that I am paying for the things that I have done wrong in my life. It is like I am living my Hell here on earth.
As I walk through my life I have had the opportunity to see many things, most of it was all bad. There is not a time that I can remember that was good; maybe the bad has overwhelmed the good.
I have seen the hatred and the cruelty of what man can do. I have seen the damage that one person can do to another human being.
You ever allowed someone to take control of your life? I did that one time. I was living with this girl and life was good for the most part, I had to work like hell to get back on my feet after been sued and I lost a 100,000 dollar business because of the woman I had trusted for 12 years, she cleaned me out and took my son, and my best friend and ran off with everything we had, left me standing with nothing after 12 years of building a business, It only took 30 days to clean me out.
Anyway
This girl and I lived together and shared a life for 5 years then things changed and I found myself dealing with someone else in my life. That was when
Bobbie Jean was born and she became part of my life.
My girlfriend said that she could see that something was wrong and that she was going to help me. She got me some new clothes and showed me what it was like to dress as a woman and I loved the feeling that I got from doing this and realized that I was there all the time, now I was free and I loved becoming Bobbie Jean and she was becoming part of who I am here today. The problem was to dress like that I was not allowed out of our home, not for any reason at all. After two years of never going anywhere and just being at home cleaning and cooking and taking care of my son which was only 3 years old and he called me Mom, because he never saw her anymore, because she wanted to work and when she came home the boy was to be in bed and her food on the table. She would make me serve her and when she was done eating, she demanded a drink with some music so I could dance for her and then we would make love, her as a male using me as a female. Making me happy for that time, yet I wanted out, I wanted to go out in public. I begged her to take me some where just to sit and drink a cup of coffee, I needed to bloom and show my true colors, then the shit hit the fan when I ran away and went out in public dressed up.
Life changed that day for me. Now she did not want me anymore, I had become an embarrassment to her now, I could not dress anymore I was shut down. The next 5 years where like a nightmare straight from Hell and I was in the middle of it all. I had become her ticket to a check, because she wanted to prove that I was Crazy, because of what she had started and I could not stop. After checking me out and finding that the only thing that was wrong with me was that I was a woman born in a man’s body and needed to be set free, there was nothing crazy about that. When they told her that, then she no longer needed me, so I had to go. Five years of being called names and treated like a piece of shit, I finally found the strength that I needed to walk away from her. Bobby Jean stood up and said that there was no more of that man left in her and it was over between them. I started my life as it is today, I stopped dressing as a man that day and I have never dressed like that again.
But for that I lost everything in my life that day, my son my family and my Mom, yet I still would welcome them with open arms, but they don't want to be around someone like me, they say that there is no one in their family called Bobby Jean and they did not know me. Well Today My real Name is Bobbie Jean Chiasson and I am very proud to be her.
I have won my life.
Yet as Jacqueline would say
“Why am I not a Happy Camper?”
Life is real here today.
Here's the thing that I deal with and this I am not proud of, yet because of the way my life has been, I now treat Jacqueline the same way, she is my love yet I have hurt her and I have shut her life down just so she can sit here and take care of me, because now I am the one needing help, I am the one that has encaged her here like an animal, not allowing her to be herself, to find herself. I have shut down her true colors, so I am no better than the girlfriend that hurt me so, now I hurt her and I am wrong for trying to control what she does or thinks, She is a beautiful creature and I am truly Blessed to have her here with me, Only thing is that maybe she does not want to be here, yet she cares more for me than she does her own life, That is called love, That is called a friends, that is called a Human being, because she has put my life above her own, she is my true Angel and She is the Love of my life.
For her I write
For her I speak the truth about myself for her I can learn to be me.
My life is coming to an end and all I can do now is see if there is some way to show her that I was wrong and that I am truly sorry for what I did to her and that I will be glad when that day comes and I can set her Free so she can fly like an Angel.
I will miss her when I am gone, I can only hope that she remembers some of the good times together, because I will never, never forget her.
I guess I should go for now
I WOULD LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS TO MY TRANSGENDER GIRLFRIEND JACQUELINE FOR BEING THIS FRIEND
SOUTHERN ACTS PRESENT'S
"THE MISFORTUNES"
WRITTEN BY BOBBIE JEAN CHIASSON
EDITED BY STEVEN LAWHORN
SOLELY FOR THE USE BY Southern Acts
COPYRIGHTS © 2013 SOUTHERN ACTS
YOU DO NOT HAVE OUR PERMISSION
TO SHARE THIS
SOUTHERN ACTS ENTERPRISES
MY
HEART
VOLUME THREE
MY LIFE
BY
THE MISFORTUNES
COPYRIGHTS © 2013 SOUTHERN ACTS
Table of Contents 2
DESTINY 4
ABANDONMENT 6
JUST ANOTHER BRICK ON THE WALL 8
TO WEAR A MASK 11
BEING PASSABLE OR NOT 14
MY LIFE AS IT IS TODAY 17
INTRODUCTION
THE STORIES THAT I WRITE ARE TRUE AND FROM MY HEART. THEY ARE WHAT I FEEL AND WHAT I NEED TO TELL; SOMETIMES I AM NOT SURE WHAT TO WRITE SO I JUST WING IT, TODAY I AM PROUD TO BE DOING WHAT I LOVE TO DO THAT IS WRITE FOR YOU. I HAVE THIS WANT TO FREE MYSELF FROM ALL THAT I HAVE DONE WRONG AND MAYBE BY WRITING WHAT I HAVE DONE WILL HELP TEACH SOMEONE ELSE NOT TO DO THE SAME THINGS. I FIND MYSELF MAKING ME FEEL THE PAIN SO THAT I WELL LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES AND TRY TO FORGIVE THOSE THAT HAVE HURT ME. BECAUSE OF THE LIFE THAT I HAVE HAD TO LIVE, I HAVE FOUND THE STRENGTH TO WRITE WHAT I DO.
IF I AM WRONG ABOUT WHAT I DO THEN I WILL BE THE FIRST TO TELL YOU.
HOPE THAT YOU ENJOY MY STORIES, BUT MOST OF ALL I HOPE YOUR LEARNING FROM MY WORDS.
I write because it is what I do.
I write just for you.
We are the
“THE MISFORTUNES”
DESTINY
When they told me that I was dying, I had to go to counseling to prepare me to die.
Well after about two years of that I had become uncaring and just wanted to get it over with. I am not sure if I want to live in this world the way it is becoming.
It seems like everywhere you look there is ugliness and pain, why is that?
I thought that the word of God is tha
We should love thy neighbor,
Turn the other cheek,
Do unto ours as you would have them do unto you,
Doesn't that mean to everyone?
Does it say just these people or those people?
No it doesn't say any people.
We are nothing but creatures that were put here by nature. What we become is up to us.
Everything has a beginning and an ending. Just like the past of this planet, it too will change,
What will you do then?
What worries me is that every day there is new life here,
Where and what will happen to your kids and their kids.
Are you willing to take the chance that this world will not change or will you start to do something about your surroundings, it is up to you on how you will treat the next person that walks up to you.
I have made mistakes in my life, Hell I just might be making one right now. Just because you don't like what I am about, all you have to do is click report, well, when you do, remember one thing, I will be back, because I will not be stopped. I think that all people should be treated with respect and kindness. If you can't do that, then it is you with the real problem, not me.
There is someone on my list of friends that, it just gets my goat, when they open their mouth, because of what they talk about, yet I do not hide or block them, because I want them to see what I have to say.
I think that any one person can be what they want to be,
Vote the way they want to vote,
Pray the way they want to pray,
Date whoever they want to date.
I will not judge you, but if you feel the need to judge someone, then judge me, you'll be leaving someone else alone for a while.
It is not my wish to piss you off, but it is my destiny to make you see yourself, as you really are…
Can you change to be better?
ABANDONMENT
Every day someone finds themselves in a place where they do want to lose what they have.
There are some of us that were not as fortunate as others.
An orphan is one of those.
Because someone though that it would be better to give their child away so that they could live their life's without the BS of kids in them, there are kids that grow up to feel that they will be abandon every time they love someone.
I deal with this problem myself.
I am not proud of it.
But it is a problem in my life.
I have been one of those kids that were abandoned by my Mother, then my family, and my friends.
Now I live with someone that I love with all my heart, yet I am so afraid to let her be the person that she needs to be, because I am afraid that she will leave me.
There are times when we can share and be happy, but the minute she tries to look good, I want to shut her down,
No you can't dress like that, someone might like you, and then I will lose you,
That is the way that my mind thinks.
It is there and I cannot change that. The only thing I can do is what I am doing right here, right now.
I have abandonment problems.
When we fuss with each other and she tries to leave, I stop her. I control her to make her stay. I am wrong to do that, but I don't want to lose her, but if I don't find peace within myself I can never set her free.
I know that I need help to do this.
I am so afraid of being alone that is hard to deal with sometimes. Sometimes the pain is so strong that I can't bear to live with it, I believe that death would be my only way out of this. The tears are pouring from my eyes and it is hard for me to do this, but I must for my own good.
Maybe I can find it in my heart to let my past go and move on to the future.
But then maybe I can not alone....
JUST ANOTHER BRICK ON THE WALL
My first brick came from the memory of being left as a child.
As I moved forward in my life there were more bricks that starting becoming a great wall around me. Each time I was hurt, I just added another brick on my wall.
Sometimes we think that everything that we do is the right way or the right color and even that we have the right to say something about someone that we don't even know.
WHY is that? Another brick
What I don't understand is why your God says
“To forgive thy neighbor”
Yet we choose to talk about our neighbor.
Why is there a difference in color of people?
Do you know WHY? ...I do. Another brick
I have traveled around the world, I have seen how some others have to live, and not through their choice, but because of what this country and others like you have done to them.
Thinking that you could make them live according to your rules.
WHY do we do that? Another brick
When I was 15 years old, I was kicked out of school because I said that I wanted to eat lunch at school.
The reason I was kicked out was because.
It was the first year that a colored child came to my all white school and no one wanted to eat in the lunch room because that was where she ate her lunch.
Hell I didn't know that I was suppose to go hungry because another child was hungry too.
For that I was sent home, kicked off the baseball team and had a cross burned in the front yard where I lived and I was called N*****Lover and all kinds of other names.
So now, what do I do about this?
Here I was every morning at school, standing there saying The Pledge of Allegiance and One Nation under God, with liberty and justice for all.
WAIT, DID IT NOT SAY FOR ALL?
AND NOT JUST FOR YOU.
There I was 15 and trying to understand why I was saying those words, but watching the hate for one young lady, that was just a child of a different color being treated that way.
I did not understand. I had to make my first stand there. That day............................................................
That was a big crossroad (KEYPOINT) in my life.
I watched over her and stood by her, tried to feel her pain, tried to understand WHY, it was like this.
Well That Beautiful young child became a lady with the grace of an Angel in my eyes. My life had changed because of her. I now learned how to care.
She did graduate that year, but it cost her something. Her Father tried to get her out of our WHITE school, but he was killed on the job, when a logging chain came loose on the log truck own by a WHITE MAN.
WHY?????????????????????????????
I had to add a “””” LOT”””” of bricks to my wall for that one.
TO WEAR A MASK
It is not because I'm afraid of you that I wear this mask, it is because for some reason you are afraid of me.
It’s ashamed, that because we are different than you, you make us feel like we should hide our faces in public places.
There are times when I walk into a store, and I feel that I need to hide myself from your world, why is it that I feel this way? I have the same rights as you or anyone else for that matter.
To many times in my life I have seen that ignorance and hurt that some people have shown.
Times are bad for the most part, is it because we are creating this? My friend here tells me that if one believes in something enough it is bound to happen.
Is that true?
I am sitting here in pain, yet I need to write, it is all I have left to give. Thanks to Jacqueline I am able to do just this; she is doing all that she can to make my life just a little easier. She makes a good nurse; I do feel that it can be hard on her, because being around some one that hurts most of the time can be stressful. Today she got me out to the duck pond and I was able to walk one time around it, then I sat there and drew a picture, as she walked around the pond.
It is hard to just be different, if a child has been treated as if there was something wrong with him/her, they will have to deal with that, sometimes they cannot do it alone.
We are like the flowers in the fields; we all bloom with different faces. Imagine what this world would be like if there was no difference in us. I would just look like your old man, lol. Anyway, We all have a beauty in us that cannot be taken away, just because someone is big, that does not mean they cannot be of help here, Sometimes bigger is better, unless you need to crawl into a hole to save a child’s life, then smaller is much better.
When I look into your eyes I see your soul and that is what I judge you on. I am always aware of my surroundings because of the way I have been treated. I can pretty much tell the ones that are going to run their mouth.
The thing is like this, I write what I write to tell a story about what it is like to be different, For the most part, I am one of those that can be different when I need to be, like when you make the mistake and laugh at someone because they didn't meet your vision of what an asshole should look like, just look in your mirror you will see one.
Have you ever been laughed at? Have you ever been called names?
Because of you I hide my face today.
My Beauty far passes my own expectation.
It comes from within me to shine on.
To tell my stories and try as hard as I can to stop those that think they are better than we are, there is not one of you that has walked in this man’s shoes, you cannot feel the hurt and the pain that I have to Endure because I gave myself to you years ago, when I left my blood on a foreign land and I have earned the right to be different.
I am only here because there is a much higher power than myself using my hand to write this. Two years ago, I believed that my life was over, it was my time to die, today I so much want to live, not only here, but in the hearts and minds of those that I have touched.
I somehow, try to hang on to the fact that we are the children of The Creator and we are the colors in the world, if not for us the world would only be in black and white.
We are the flowers in the fields that bloom to give this planet it colors.
BEING PASSABLE OR NOT
Every day I try hard to deal with many things in my life. Today I would like to talk about (Being Passable). That is what Transgender people try hard to do and some pay big money to try and make that happen.
I used to always worry about someone knowing what I was, male or female, and I thought that it would be better if I could pass as a women. I live here in The South, in a place called Albany Ga. Here there are not but a handful of Transgender people that will walk out in public here.
I take one hell of a chance every time I walk out of my home. Because the more passable I am the more risk I take, if I look real good and pass as a women, than a man comes up to me and starts to talk to me,
What do I do then?
I have to say something.
I will try to be nice.
I always watch myself about being soft in the way I talk.
If he does not stop there, but wants to get to know me more…what is it that I should do then?
I have learned that the truth is always the best way to show yourself to the public. If it gets to that point, I will then ask this gentleman if he knows just what I am. I do not want to lie to someone or to show myself off as anything other than what I am.
I am A Transgender male to female and I am proud of myself for getting this far in my life.
I am 62 years old and every day I live with the fact that I should have died a long time ago. I have always wondered just what is my purpose in life, I think that I may have found it, I love to talk and writing is like making music to me.
I have found that it is not a matter of whether or not I am passable, the truth is I am just a man in a dress to the most of you, and there is nothing I can do about that. I have come to love myself, as I am. I am not a man any more; I have crossed the line of no turning back. I can never go in public without a top on, that’s for sure.
Where we live, I have known people like myself that have stepped into that world where they were thought to be a real woman, when the guys found out that she was not a woman, it cost her the only life that she had, her own. She was beaten and left for dead at an old school house where she lived, not more than 30 miles from where I live today.
Jacqueline and I went to town today and had to get some food, we just needed to get out for a few. She looked real nice today with her brown outfit on. She is so lovely, sometimes I find myself just watching her. She is so much a lady, if I were a man; she would most surely be my woman.
She has this natural look about her that she could pass as a woman, but she does not see things the way I do, she has not had to deal with all the hate that I have had to deal with over the 30 years I have been dressing like this, I know that I am not always passable, but I know that I am Beautiful.
I don’t try as hard any more to be passable, because I now tell everyone that I am a Transgender person and I am proud of my life.
There are times when I wish that I had not chosen the path that I have, but then if I had not, I would not be me.
I would not have met this Beautiful young woman. She is the one that fills my need for love.
Together we now walk out in public and I will always try my best to protect her, I really don’t care if I have to act like a man to do so.
So the thought for the day is that you don’t need to be what you are not, just to be passable, because if you show the truth about yourself to others, then and only then will you become passable, because the most important people in your life will see you as you are…Beautiful
MY LIFE AS IT IS TODAY
My life as it is today, tired, but wanting to write, that is the thing about reality, I write when I feel that need to talk to you. I am sure that by now, if you are reading this you know me, and if it is your first time welcome aboard.
I am feeling somewhat down, I hurt so bad that it is hard just for me to sit here. I have taken my meds because I need to try and stay alive just a little longer; I believe that Your God keeps me here, to show you the way. I feel that I am paying for the things that I have done wrong in my life. It is like I am living my Hell here on earth.
As I walk through my life I have had the opportunity to see many things, most of it was all bad. There is not a time that I can remember that was good; maybe the bad has overwhelmed the good.
I have seen the hatred and the cruelty of what man can do. I have seen the damage that one person can do to another human being.
You ever allowed someone to take control of your life? I did that one time. I was living with this girl and life was good for the most part, I had to work like hell to get back on my feet after been sued and I lost a 100,000 dollar business because of the woman I had trusted for 12 years, she cleaned me out and took my son, and my best friend and ran off with everything we had, left me standing with nothing after 12 years of building a business, It only took 30 days to clean me out.
Anyway
This girl and I lived together and shared a life for 5 years then things changed and I found myself dealing with someone else in my life. That was when
Bobbie Jean was born and she became part of my life.
My girlfriend said that she could see that something was wrong and that she was going to help me. She got me some new clothes and showed me what it was like to dress as a woman and I loved the feeling that I got from doing this and realized that I was there all the time, now I was free and I loved becoming Bobbie Jean and she was becoming part of who I am here today. The problem was to dress like that I was not allowed out of our home, not for any reason at all. After two years of never going anywhere and just being at home cleaning and cooking and taking care of my son which was only 3 years old and he called me Mom, because he never saw her anymore, because she wanted to work and when she came home the boy was to be in bed and her food on the table. She would make me serve her and when she was done eating, she demanded a drink with some music so I could dance for her and then we would make love, her as a male using me as a female. Making me happy for that time, yet I wanted out, I wanted to go out in public. I begged her to take me some where just to sit and drink a cup of coffee, I needed to bloom and show my true colors, then the shit hit the fan when I ran away and went out in public dressed up.
Life changed that day for me. Now she did not want me anymore, I had become an embarrassment to her now, I could not dress anymore I was shut down. The next 5 years where like a nightmare straight from Hell and I was in the middle of it all. I had become her ticket to a check, because she wanted to prove that I was Crazy, because of what she had started and I could not stop. After checking me out and finding that the only thing that was wrong with me was that I was a woman born in a man’s body and needed to be set free, there was nothing crazy about that. When they told her that, then she no longer needed me, so I had to go. Five years of being called names and treated like a piece of shit, I finally found the strength that I needed to walk away from her. Bobby Jean stood up and said that there was no more of that man left in her and it was over between them. I started my life as it is today, I stopped dressing as a man that day and I have never dressed like that again.
But for that I lost everything in my life that day, my son my family and my Mom, yet I still would welcome them with open arms, but they don't want to be around someone like me, they say that there is no one in their family called Bobby Jean and they did not know me. Well Today My real Name is Bobbie Jean Chiasson and I am very proud to be her.
I have won my life.
Yet as Jacqueline would say
“Why am I not a Happy Camper?”
Life is real here today.
Here's the thing that I deal with and this I am not proud of, yet because of the way my life has been, I now treat Jacqueline the same way, she is my love yet I have hurt her and I have shut her life down just so she can sit here and take care of me, because now I am the one needing help, I am the one that has encaged her here like an animal, not allowing her to be herself, to find herself. I have shut down her true colors, so I am no better than the girlfriend that hurt me so, now I hurt her and I am wrong for trying to control what she does or thinks, She is a beautiful creature and I am truly Blessed to have her here with me, Only thing is that maybe she does not want to be here, yet she cares more for me than she does her own life, That is called love, That is called a friends, that is called a Human being, because she has put my life above her own, she is my true Angel and She is the Love of my life.
For her I write
For her I speak the truth about myself for her I can learn to be me.
My life is coming to an end and all I can do now is see if there is some way to show her that I was wrong and that I am truly sorry for what I did to her and that I will be glad when that day comes and I can set her Free so she can fly like an Angel.
I will miss her when I am gone, I can only hope that she remembers some of the good times together, because I will never, never forget her.
I guess I should go for now
I WOULD LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS TO MY TRANSGENDER GIRLFRIEND JACQUELINE FOR BEING THIS FRIEND
SOUTHERN ACTS PRESENT'S
"THE MISFORTUNES"
WRITTEN BY BOBBIE JEAN CHIASSON
EDITED BY STEVEN LAWHORN
SOLELY FOR THE USE BY Southern Acts
COPYRIGHTS © 2013 SOUTHERN ACTS
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